I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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