One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize