He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
