I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
