I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
