Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
