Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
