Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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