im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
