So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
