at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
