I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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