i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
