just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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