peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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