Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
