if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
