I think I died a long time ago.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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