She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
