Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
