We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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