i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
