I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
