$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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