How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
