My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
