and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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