you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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