I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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