Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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