you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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