He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
