I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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