sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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