If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
