Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
