Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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