The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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