Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize