He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
