i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
