The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize