I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
