yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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