New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize