I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
