I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
