New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
