thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
