I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
