Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
