it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
