my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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