his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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