I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
