so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
