i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
