I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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