Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
