i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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