Nicole vs. Life
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
