It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
