Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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